Thursday, June 30, 2005

Let's Do The Time Warp Again!

Hey pig.
Yeah, you.
Hey pig piggy pig pig pig.

Funkmaster Breathbeast is no longer going to be threatening the air I breathe here shortly and I will have my room to myself. This calls for celebration. That's one hell of a birthday present. Awwww yeah beotch!

That's right folks, on this day 29 years ago, I was born. I've gotten pretty good at getting older. It's to the point that it just comes naturally to me, now. Today I am going to do some work, but I'll be bored, mostly. This is just going to be another birthday that sucks (pretty much like the last 7 thanks to the army). Thanks, Army! However, I am going to have one hell of a bash when I turn 30, so I am looking forward to that. 365 days to go.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Wampa Wampa Wednesday!!!

Today I want to stop and take time to be thankful for something we normally take for granted, Home Dental Care: toothbrushes, toothpaste, mouthwash, floss, and for those of you with dentures, Efferdent. Not only do these products maintain our personal health, they help us to be more pleasant in the company of others.

This morning I was reminded of exactly how much I take these items for granted by my coworker and the enemy of Home Dental Care, the fart belch. What is a fart belch you ask? That's a very good question. A fart belch is a small, lingering cloud of smothering poo breath that comes from someone with nonexistent dental hygiene. The smell is often easily confused with a seemingly omnipresent and overly rotten fart, hence the name. Victims of the fart belch are commonly misdiagnosed as having been exposed to nerve agents.

In honor of all of the wonderful men and women that made battling the fart belch possible, I've composed a poem that I'd like to share with you all.

Thank you toothpaste,
So glad I flossed,
My breath doesn't smell
like salad's been tossed.

I brush in the morn
and I brush in the eve
so my breath won't make
the oxygen leave.

Some don't brush
and some don't rinse,
but I'd bet that they haven't
gotten laid since.

I love how it feels
when my teeth are all clean.
I won't take you for granted,
good dental hygiene.

Abridged Dental Hygiene Timeline:

1815: Levi Spear Parmly is credited with being the inventor of modern dental floss for promoting flossing with a silk thread.

1824: Peabody adds soap to toothpaste.

~ 1850: John Harris adds chalk to toothpaste.

1873: Colgate begins mass-producing toothpaste in a jar.

1879: Dr. Joseph Lawrence and Jordan Wheat Lambert invent Listerine, intended as a disinfectant for surgery, and began selling it as a mouthwash in 1895.

For the love of all that is good in the world, brush your teeth people.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Contest Time

See all those image links at the top there? Well, six of them are getting removed and I'm going to need to replace them. Instead of choosing by your blogs or comments, I'm going to hold a contest in which there will be three winners (three spots are already taken). That means the chances of you winning are pretty high since there's only like three of you that read my blog. I can't make it too easy for you, so I'm going to make the contest in phases. Three winners, three phases. In all phases, the funnier the better.

Phase 1: Submit a photo of someone doing something crazy while wearing something crazy in a public place. Bonus points if you can tell me who the person is and what's going on. In other words, internet pictures are okay, but I'd prefer something more original. All pictures should be sent to my email address (which can be found in my profile). Pictures involving nakedness, (while welcome if it is female nakedness; male nakedness will get you disqualified) will not be considered for the contest, and will not be posted on my blog. Please include "Template Contest" in the subject.

Phase 2: Upon completion of phase 1, I will hold a caption contest. Please enter in all captions in the comments beneath the photo to which the caption is applicable.

Phase 3: At any time while the contest is on you may participate in phase 3. Submit a story (fiction or non-fiction), poem, or other such written word that will make us all laugh; at you or with you, either way. This can be about anything you want, but it must be written by you. Please submit this via e-mail.

Eligibility Rules:

  1. You must have a link to my blog on yours. For those of you that haven't linked me because I haven't linked you, I'll be updating my links within the next couple of days. Let me know if you've already linked me, also.
  2. You are not eligible if you are any of the following people: Me, my sister, my girlfriend, AJ, Alex, Jenn, She-Hulk, THL, g.d., tacit1, jasmine, Celine Dion, Michael Bolton, Barry Manilow, Bob Saget, or Alan Thicke. If you don't know why your name is on this list, it means that you are keeping your spot or have one reserved for you. The rest of you know why.
  3. No terrorists.

Scoring: Winners will be determined by adding the scores of all three phases. The winner of each phase will receive 100 pts. The runner up will receive 90 pts. and so on and so forth. Scores will be tallied and winners declared upon completion of the contest.

Prizes: There will be three grand prizes of image links at the top of my blog. Everyone who participates will get shout outs in future posts.

Judges: The contest will be judged entirely by myself. I'm a big boy and I can handle it.

Duration: Phase 1 will last until July 4. Phase 2 will last as many days as there are entries for phase 1. Phase 3 will last through the entire duration. Winners will be announced the day following the completion of the contest.

Without further ado, let the contest begin.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

You didn't really think I was going to keep going with the three letter titles when I could come up with something much longer for a title, did you?

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has asked about me lately. To show my appreciation and that I'm okay and still perfectly sane, I created a picture that only a sane man could create. Here it is:

Eat fat monster noodle, Photobucket!

And you questioned my sanity.

Sunday, June 19, 2005


I've come to the conclusion that the title of all my posts will be three letters long. Until I change my mind anyway.

Many of you may not know that Kris is my real name, just like The Mysterious Lubba D's real name is Dusti. I am 28 years old for the next 11 days, and then suddenly I'll be 29.

Why is that my real name? I do not know. If I was a girl my parents were going to name me Amber. If I was a boy, my mom says they were going to name me Sean.

Thursday, June 09, 2005


In the event that you don't realize it yet, I loathe most of you.

UPDATE: I updated the list to reflect some glaring omissions that I should be caned for.

There are a select few that I don't loathe. I will list you here in no particular order:

The Mysterious Lubba D
The Better Half
Esther Wilberforce-Packard
Jamie Dawn

If you're not on the list and you interact with me regularly (online or otherwise), you suck.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Shakin' that stick, you're driving me crazy.

Someone told me that at the chow hall there were more wings than I could shake a stick at. I set out to test this theory and then realized that I had no stick to shake, other than the obvious, and that would see me on a plane home with zeal. So I didn't shake any sticks at the wings, but I wanted to.

In addition, there are exactly 87 keys on this keyboard. That means that there are 25 keys too many, but FB doesn't mind. He pounds away, using all 87 keys, in fart-belching merriment as he works on projects that he makes up.

The thought of pizza right now turns my stomach, but likely Chris will imbue my day with this stomach-churning delight. It turns out that there are yellow lightsabers in Episode II, after all. I will also see what Fredo (sp?) has to say today and learn whether or not my day will be inundated with greasy meaty cheesy tomato pie. Those wily military officers may have tricks up their sleeves, and if so, I may be able to have a pizza-free day after all. I prefer buffalo wings and potato wedges. Potato-Potahto.

Do not spray flea-killer into your sunglasses. You will not be happy with the results. I suggest powder instead. Furthermore, do not order any used chairs from Iraq unless you have velcro on your shoes. They'll take your tears and that's not nearly all.
Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.