Thursday, May 26, 2005

My Triumphant No-Content Return Post

UPDATE: I am now #2 with a Google search for Mr. Anduri.

Alrighty folks. Despite the fact that I was determined to stop blogging for a while, people have continued to add links to "No Time For Later" and I am getting pleas to continue blogging. 80,000,000 people can't be wrong, a good thing is a good thing. So, to appease the masses, I am going to continue blogging. In my "absence," I have failed to update my links. Today, I am going to update those links. Also, for those who want more of my wonderful verbage, check out Potato-Potahto where I've teamed up with the Anti-Kris to blabber about nothing important. You may also want to check out Dinner for two. And Nogh. My sister (The Mysterious Lubba D.), Nogh and I update this blog on occasion, but I'm planning on breathing new, equally unimportant life into that blog as well. All this from Iraq. That's dedication, people. Check out these guys too, if you want good quality blogging. Well if you want blogging, anyway:

Pops' Bucket is a wonderful place to go if you like words. Plus, he will tell you all about his sister's boobs.
Heightened Thoughts is the place to go if you hate yourself want to read about Russian hookers and meth labs.
Give Me The Booger is your one stop shop for all your crap-chopping needs.
Don Quixote, etc. is the best place to find absolutely wonderful commentary that makes MPH cringe.
The Un-Common Tater is NOT where you go for a sandwich.
Steph's Stuff is the home of Blog Satan, and easily the most evil of us all.

Whew. That was some work. If you feel left out because I didn't plug your blog, no worries! I am going to be doing this pretty often, so

Sunday, May 22, 2005

10 Things I've Never Done.

I really am going to stop blogging so often.

I normally don't do "memes," but since Bridg tasked me with this one, and it's pretty cool, I'll make an exception just this once. Then I'm going back into hiding amongst the potatoes.

10 Things I've Never Done:

1) been disappointed by a monkey.

2) seen an alligator in the sewer.

3) disobeyed traffic signs that say "Do Not Drive Off Bridge."

4) been compared to a wooly mammoth.

5) become someone else by "The Power of Grayskull" or gotten my money back.

6) leapt down upon my prey from above.

7) enjoyed the sensation of Nasal-Doh.

8) given zookeepers any trouble whatsoever.

9) flagged down the Weinermobile.

10) pet a sea donkey.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith Spoilers, Cheats, and Hacks Ahead

Well ladies and gentlemen, I stood in line for four hours in sweltering 100+ degree heat, waiting in line to see Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. But I got to see it free, before most of the western hemisphere. And we only had to seek cover once while we were waiting. There was even a contractor dressed up like a Sith.

I do have to be nitpicky, though. For instance, I don't appreciate Wookiees swinging on vines screaming like Tarzan. I also don't appreciate the campy dialogue between Anakin and Padme. "I don't know you anymore!" Neither do I appreciate raising Darth Vader up on a pivoting table like the monster in Frankenstein. I don't like that most of the lightsaber duels consisted of close-up face shots as opposed to the swordplay we love. And finally, I don't like the ease at which the Jedi were portrayed to have been dispatched. It was rather silly. (Don't miss the extremely HOT Twi'lek Jedi, Aayla Secura, played by Amy Allen, who gets killed).

I like everything else about this movie. I don't know who they got to portray Luke, but that actor deserves an Oscar. (S)He had the whining part down pat. Yoda doesn't disappoint, and neither does Mace Windu. Both of them fight Palpatine, who (while overacting just a bit) breathes a fresh bit of badass into the Sith as well. General Grievous was awesome in that same Darth Maul sort of way. Overall the movie was a good show. Jar Jar Binks, while present, didn't speak (and that is excellent), R2 was somehow supeR2, but I can let that slide, even.

Overall, I have to say that I liked this one (honestly, I've liked all 6 of them, but only because they were Star Wars); it was FAR better than Episodes I and II, but not I'm not sure if I would put it on the same level as IV, V, and VI yet or not. I'll have to watch them all again to decide.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Farewell, Citrus

For those of you who never visited his blog, you've missed out dearly. Citrus was one of the most creative, sincere, wonderful bloggers that I've ever read. Now, he is gone. Your loss if you didn't visit his blog.

Citrus, I'm not going to make this overly flowery, because I wish you weren't leaving/gone. If you want, feel free to email me at your leisure. I won't be changing my email address anytime soon, and I'd like to stay in touch, even if you wait until you've made it. You're an inspiration.

Monday, May 16, 2005

All grown up.

Most of you probably don't know about it, but I created a blog called "I will rule you all." The point of this blog was potentially to help increase everyone's traffic (I'm not going to go into all the details). This morning I came in, sat down to start typing my entry for the day on "No Time For Later," and realized that doing so bores the shit out of me. I decided that I am not going to continue to update "No Time For Later" regularly, and instead that I would focus my efforts on "I will rule you all." Then I realized that I really don't care enough about the popularity of other people's blogs to do this. So, I deleted the blog. Undoubtedly, many of you will think that I'm sitting here throwing a pity party for myself or that I'm "taking my ball and going home." That's not what is happening as I'm leaving "No Time For Later" up and running with your links intact. I may still post from time to time, but I'm not counting on it. I'll still comment on all of your blogs, because that's what inspired me to start "No Time For Later." Some of you are very funny people.
On another note, I am going to post an observation of the blogosphere that I didn't see until today. I didn't realize how important the blogs here are to their authors. I didn't realize HOW INTENSE the competition is to be popular, until I started making fun of it and people started bashing me in return. People stop taking yourselves, even your humor, and each other so seriously.
**This has nothing to do with MPH. I am and will continue to assume that MPH understood that all of that was just a game and was just playing along. I'm actually a big fan of his.**

UPDATE: This really doesn't have to do with anyone in "the band," even, and is directly related to what I posted last Monday.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Soap Box Monday vol. II

Well folks, I've decided to make this a regular Monday feature. After all, what good would I be as the most influential voice on the internet if I don't espouse any opinions? Sure, I might be swell at manipulating people (MPH, for example), but I'm going to have to start doing it in mass numbers and the only way to do that is to express my opinions on whatever is in the news.


Today's Soapy Subject: Professional Sports and Fan Violence.


Yesterday, at an Oakland/Yankees game, Eric Anduri of Lafayette, CA threw beer on Jason Giambi. Giambi played the good sport and didn't throw anything back or even lose his temper. I think this was the wrong move.

Eric Anduri needed to get his ass kicked. Giambi owed it to him.

When Ron Artest stormed the bleachers on Nov. 19th, I didn't say anything on any public venue about it, but I SUPPORT HIS ACTIONS. In fact, the only reason that it was so controversial is because the NBA made it that way. This controversy was all about the money. It really disgusts me. Note that the NBA takes no steps to protect its athletes from incidents like this. The fans are on the honor system. Ron Artest was attacked, and was punished for responding to that attack in kind.

(I understand that Ron Artest responded by attacking the wrong guy. If he would have attacked the right guy, I submit that the league would have still suspended him because he went into the stands.)

If a fan attacks an athlete, they should expect to get the beatdown of a lifetime. The fan should expect loss of work and pay due to the fact that he is in a full body cast. If someone throws a beer at me, that's how I'm going to respond, and I'll be completely within the law because I'm DEFENDING MYSELF. Why shouldn't athletes be allowed to do the same?

This is a new thing, too. It hasn't always been this way. On September 28, 1995, a fan charged out onto Wrigley field with the intent of attacking Chicago Cub, Randy Myers. Turns out that old Randy knew a little martial arts and laid the guy out flat. Guess who didn't have to worry about defending himself? That's right, Randy Myers. The fan was arrested and taken to jail.

Attempting to remove the violence completely will never happen. We use sports in this society as more than a form of entertainment. We use them as an actual form of release, a way to release those violent tendencies either by playing the sport, or by releasing them vicariously through the athletes we watch. Violence is inherent in sports. The acts of striking a ball or another individual, or physically impeding the opponent are violent in and of themselves.

The real problem is that the fans have so little respect for the athletes. The reason, people, that you are in the stands and not on the field is because you are nowhere near the fine-tuned physical machines that athletes are. You have nowhere near the talent, and belong IN THE STANDS. They have spent GRUELING hours upon hours, day after day, for YEARS to get where they are. A side effect of this is that they can unleash an UNHOLY BEATDOWN if you fuck with them.

The best part of allowing, even encouraging, athletes to do so is that it serves as a deterrent. Really, who's going to throw a beer at Ron Artest now? I bet there are a whole lot less willing now than there were before he rushed the bleachers.

Friday, May 13, 2005

The fall of Blog Jesus

Well well well. MPH has gone and proved my point again. Today's "Ask Blog Jesus" post has issued a "cease and desist on all Kris related questions" order. Then he insulted all of his readers telling them "the mere fact that so many of you ask Kris related questions tells me that you all have other problems that need to be addressed."

People, if this isn't an admission that I am growing more blog powerful than him, I don't know what is. He now admits freely on his own blog that his readers show an unusual amount of interest in me.

The ban just goes to show that he realizes that this is a losing battle. It's a normal human reaction to lash out at those things we fear. He has every reason to. In my last post's comments, he even went so far as to call ME Christ.

Today he said that he isn't giving up, that he's just bored. To give him credit, he is putting up one hell of a fight. It is a shame that the end result of this will leave him a shadow of his former self. I could use someone with that kind of spirit (ha!) in my cabinet when I do take over the blogosphere.

To be honest, he is right. This IS growing boring. I suppose I'll have to quit toying with him and just get it over with.

I bet he ignores my latest question, or at least refuses to answer it.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

This ain't Open Freakin' Sesame.

Fuckin' A, I tell ya. Fuckin' A.

Everyday, after work, I go home, take a shower and go promptly to sleep so that I can get up with enough sleep to make it through the following day.

Because my roommate is the quintessential asshole, I don't get to sleep straight through. He comes in, waking me up, twice during my "time off." For those of you who don't know, I've worked every single day since November 16th, 2004 with the exception of one sick day (in which I was really sick, I wasn't playing hooky). This means that I've had no time to sleep in or catch up on missed sleep. I am typically dead tired.

Which is why it pissed me off when I was woken by some jackass that just decided to walk into my trailer yesterday because the door was unlocked. When I woke up and confronted him, he says "Is this transient housing or permanent housing?"

FUCKER, I AM TRYING TO SLEEP!

Needless to say, my company frowns upon treating any customer this way, and since the guy was a captain in the army, he is a customer. My company sees the entire army as our customer. What a load.

"The housing trailer is over there," I said, pointing outside of my trailer, and the jackass let himself out.

What I want to know is, where are we as a country, when it's acceptable to just walk into someone's residence, and upon seeing that the residence does indeed belong to someone else, not politely excuse yourself, but instead try to strike up a conversation with that someone, who just happens to be obviously trying to sleep? Is it just me? Is this still unacceptable behavior? Is there some sort of TV crew treating me like a monkey in the zoo (like The Truman Show)? Should I have flung poo at the guy?


------------------------------------------------------

In other news, MPH has decided that I am no longer welcome at "Ask Blog Jesus." Not only has he stopped answering my questions, he's started deleting my comments also. I don't know what prompted this response, but I think he was finally forced to admit that I was indeed taking over his blog and thus forced to respond with drastic measures. This has happened over the last two days, and BOTH times I limited my questions to one, so I know it wasn't the volume of questions. Perhaps he will be man enough to answer these charges here at No Time For Later.

UPDATE: If there are any questions about the validity of my claims, note that 2 people have asked questions about me on "Ask Blog Jesus" here on the 2nd day that I've been ignored. I am already part of his blog. Ignoring me changes nothing.

UPDATE #2: Things are going swimmingly and according to plan. Using no other influence than my own, I've convinced MPH to respond to my questions after all, with the exception of the one he deleted. That's right people, already you can see the sway I hold over his blog. He's changed his ways, just minutes after my update. What do you think the odds are that after reading this, he'll change his mind again and delete/ignore my comments? We'll find out tomorrow, for sure.


Also, starting Monday, here in Iraq, it's "Be Nice to -g.d. Week." I've been pretty hard on her lately, and the strain is starting to show, so I'd like everyone to be nice to her for a whole week. After that you can rip her apart again, like the hyenas you are.

Monday, May 09, 2005

I'm flattered like a flounder.

Whoa Nelly, Down Boy, and Shiver me Timbers, people. I love all of my readers like that smelly old pair of shoes that I refuse to throw out. Thank you all for the outpouring of support.
I am writing this to let you all know that I am not despairing, or even upset. In fact the person that sparked the post really is just incredibly funny to me, like a very colorful, yet dingle-ridden, self-important baboon's ass at the very least. Have no fear, I'm not taking a vacation from giving you your pseudo-daily inane blabbering drivel that you have come to love and depend on like opiates and viagra.

Be sure to check out digitalicat's profile picture today, courtesy of yours truly.

If you haven't shown Citrus any love, YOU are the one who's missing out. Go to his blog for GP(no, not for g.d., for General Purposes. Don't do anything for g.d., except maybe make some coffee for her drunk self), people. Just go, trust me.

And now, a dog on a pony:




If that's not content, I don't know what is.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Soap Box Monday

I hesitated to post this because I don't like getting on my soap box. I wrote it a few days ago, but I am posting it now because I really wish people would think before they act:

As I wander about the blogosphere, adding to my list of blogs to take over, I've been exposed to far more humanity than I ever wanted to be.

I've seen lots of lame things out there. Anything right-wing, for instance is something that really isn't worth reading to me. By the same token, I don't want to read about how much of a gift to women you think you are or which celebrities you saw today. I really don't give a damn, SO I just won't go back to your blogs.

I'm not going to come back here and dime you out, though. This has happened to me twice now.

People, for the love of god, if you don't like the little game I play here with others that are willing to play, don't read it. If I make comments that annoy you on other people's blogs, skip over them. Don't go back to your blog and complain about what I've done or said, though. I'm not going to do that to you.

Unlike many people out there, I don't blog for the attention. Sure, it's fun, but that's not why I do it. I hope that people read this blog and enjoy it, but I'm not going to get upset if they don't.

So why, then, am I even writing this?

I'm writing this because I think one of the many problems with people these days is an insufferable lack of courtesy.

Evolution vs. Creationism in public schools? You people that insist on arguing against a theory that has been around for years and years are being discourteous. You're trying to set a precedent to teach christian ideas in public schools to kids who AREN'T NECESSARILY CHRISTIAN. I'm not christian. Trying to shove your beliefs down my throat, and anyone else who isn't christian is OFFENSIVE. If you feel that's what is happening to your children, send them to a CHRISTIAN SCHOOL. Public schools are meant to teach ACADEMICS, not RELIGIONS. That's what churches or christian schools are for.

Saying that gay marriages shouldn't be allowed? Don't even get me started on that. If two women or two men want to get married, how the FUCK does that have anything to do with you? Get your nose out of everyone else's business. It's DISCOURTEOUS. You have to be a complete and total asshole to treat people like this.

"Okay, Blog Kris, what does that have to do with me talking about celebrities?"

Nothing, nothing at all. That's just boring to me. What it has to do with is going back to your blog and calling me lame. That's where it all starts people. If you don't even know someone (and I'm not even a public figure yet), why on earth would you say stuff like that? That makes you an asshole. Not too far of a stretch to become a complete and total asshole.

"That's faulty logic, Blog Kris,"

Well it COULD be, and for the sake of the individuals that I'm referring to, I hope that I'm wrong. The fact remains that the common denominator between these people is their ego. These people all think that they are better than anyone who doesn't agree with them, and most of the time, that's not even enough.

"But Blog Kris, what about YOUR ego?"

My ego in reference to the blogosphere is all for show. In real life, I'm a pretty down to earth guy who will stand behind you if I think you're being treated unfairly (and that's REGARDLESS of your beliefs) or against you if you're treating someone else unfairly.

In closing, I am going to leave you with a quote from "The Green Mile." Some of you will look down your nose at it because it wasn't said by some great philosopher that you respect. So be it, there's just no reaching some people.

I'm tired, boss ... Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world every day. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Campaign '08

Recently digitalicat suggested that Citrus run for congress. Pops has requested that MPH run for president. g.d. will be his running mate. By election '08, I'll be the most influential voice on the internet, so I've started making the campaign banners already:



Also, be sure to head to digitalicat's blog. It's contest time again! This time digi is accepting MSPaint art depicting your choice of tossed salad haiku. The winner gets to post once in his place.

On a related note, tacit1 has given me the title, "Assman." I would also like to clear up that I have never intentionally farted on anyone that was not a sibling.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The Poo Zoo

I don't care how cheap it is, I am not going to drive a poo-powered car. Especially since there are no more full service gas stations (HA!) anymore.

In Syracuse, The Rosamond Gifford Zoo is considering becoming self-sufficient by using the more than 1,000 lbs of elephant crap as an alternative energy source.

How do they process that? How bad does your karma have to be for this to be your career field?

Bar Girl: "Hey, handsome."
Handsome Man: "Hey, sexy lady."
BG: "So what do you do for a living?"
HM: "I work in a power plant."
BG: "What do you do there?"
HM: "I... I cut the elephant shit into small enough pieces to fit into the generators."

Somehow, I think HM is going home alone tonight.

BG: "Awesome! I'm a fecalphiliac! Can I watch you in all your crapchopping glory?"

Whoa! Bar Girl is actually Blog Jesus in disguise!

Hold on tight, HM, you won't find another woman so enamored with the poo.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Bow down.

Ohhhhh yeahhhhhhh. I'm bigger than Kool-Aid ladies and gentlemen.

If you haven't been to Lions and Tigers and Maggots...Oh My!, you really should go check it out.

For those of you who don't know, today marks the end of the most glorious period of time that will ever be known to g.d.'s blog. For the last week, I have been guest comment moderator over there. g.d. has decided to serenade me in thanks for doing an incredible job but mostly for being so damn much better than everyone else.

That's right, you peasants, she recorded and posted herself singing TO ME.

I just want to be clear about one thing. Even if you manage to get someone, even g.d., to sing to you and post it on the web, I was the first. That's right.

You may think to yourself:

Blog Kris, you've finally lost it. You've gone over the edge like the mental lemming you were always destined to be. We could all see it coming, you know, pretending to be other people and refusing to admit that you were doing so, rambling on about Play-doh, your obsession with feces, just to name a few things. It was quite clear. And now you've finally teetered off into oblivion.

That's ok. You're wrong, weasels. Go listen to her post and then come tell me that. No, you people owe me some serious ass-kissing.

Everyone except:

Alex
Citrus
g.d.
Tish

If your name is not on the above list, pucker up.

g.d., you're my hero.

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Also, given that digi's tossed salad haiku contest is over (CONGRATULATIONS G.D.!), I'd like to post a few haikus that I submitted that are my favorites. The first is a haiku I wrote because my sister slandered me. This was my haiku way of getting her back:

My sister likes it
when she feels a slippery
tongue against her butt.


The next one is because digi dissed the point system:

I am powerful.
More than you can imagine.
You lose fifty points.


This one is just my favorite one that I wrote:

Have you washed back here?
I don't think you have because
this does not smell right.


Finally, this is my congratulatory haiku to g.d. for winning the contest:

I would never toss
g.d.'s salad. I am sure
that she has teeth there.


For more really good tongue-to-tush japanese poetry (there were some REALLY good entries), head over to Ann Coulter Tossed My Salad.

If you like dirty asses, head over to Heightened Thoughts. MPH hasn't bathed in years.
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