A Weapon of Mass Disgusting.
The Mysterious Lubba D, my mother tells me, was a very well behaved child. I was too, but I got into a lot more… adventures, shall we say? than she did. She was not an angel, however. Sometimes, in fact, she was downright pure unadulterated EVIL. I’ll get to that later.
One of the mischievous things that she did was grout the floor with Play-Doh. This was not a one time thing. She did this EVERY SINGLE TIME she was got her hands on it. Apparently, “modeling compound” means nothing to a child. She was a grout fiend. Finally, my mother had enough and banned the substance from my house. But not before The Mysterious Lubba D got the scent.
At some point in my childhood, which began after the notorious groutings of the early 70’s, I was given an innocent looking yellow canister with a white lid. Little did I know of the EVIL that lay within. Like a dog that has been fed meat, my sister caught a whiff when I pulled off the lid and soon she began to circle. By this time she was a little older and knew that there would be no chance to grout. I don’t remember what I was doing with the white Play-Doh; I’m sure it wasn’t too complex. Mysterious Lubba D, on the other hand, was scheming. There is no way she could pass up the opportunity for Doh-mischief - mischief for which I would ultimately pay the price.
The Mysterious Lubba D has always loved the smell of Play-Doh. To this day, she will tell you that it is one of her favorite smells. In a moment that she claims was in kindness (I have my doubts about that), she thought that it would be a good idea to share the smell with me. She rolled some into a small ball, put it on the tip of her finger and said “This smells good. Smell it!”
Bad idea. “Ok,” I said.
I remember it all in slow motion. Her head rocked back, a glint in her eye, and she began to laugh, a low-pitched-wicked-now-I-have-your-soul kind of laugh, while her hand began it’s ascent towards my nose. As her hand neared my nostril I began to experience the salty, unnatural stench that would haunt me until the end of my days, but she didn’t stop. Soon the malevolent substance, followed by the first phalange of her index finger, was in my nose and I realized too late that my nose was under siege, a full-fledged olfactory assault. She wasn’t satisfied with the fact that it was in my nose, she was going for something more permanent. She pushed on, determined, and shoved that little ball of evil deep into my nasal cavity.
The nasal cavity is a very sensitive part of the human body. It does not react well to the introduction of foreign substances. Most substances don’t even make it past the back of the nostril, where the hairs in your nose catch, or at least sense the substance and elicit a violent response known as a sneeze. A sneeze can leave your body in speeds of 90-100 miles per hour, possibly faster. That’s just from the back of the nostril. Now, imagine if you will, the sheer violence of your body attempting to force something from your nasal cavity. The introduction of a ball of white Play-Doh to my nasal cavity elicited a VERY violent response indeed. My entire body convulsed in an attempt to rid itself of the venomous odor and I vomited everywhere.
Scientists and even The Hot Librarian agree that the sense of smell is most strongly tied to memory. Ladies and Gentlemen, THERE IS NO DOUBT to the truth of that statement. To this day, I will tell you that it is one of the worst odors I’ve ever had the misfortune of experiencing.
Today I received a package from my girlfriend. It is an Easter package that kicks ass. The package was delayed. Inside of this package, she put lots of great things, but there is one thing in particular that I would like to talk about. There was a little yellow canister, with a white lid, and a note that says “Your sister’s suggestion (?)”
This time, The Mysterious Lubba D has gone too far. She has attempted to turn my girlfriend into a Play-Doh terrorist. In this day and age, with the Global War on Terrorism in full swing, I will not let this injustice go unanswered. The Mysterious Lubba D has unwittingly sent me the weapon of her own demise. Mark my words, devil! Your day is coming, and my retribution will be swift!
One of the mischievous things that she did was grout the floor with Play-Doh. This was not a one time thing. She did this EVERY SINGLE TIME she was got her hands on it. Apparently, “modeling compound” means nothing to a child. She was a grout fiend. Finally, my mother had enough and banned the substance from my house. But not before The Mysterious Lubba D got the scent.
At some point in my childhood, which began after the notorious groutings of the early 70’s, I was given an innocent looking yellow canister with a white lid. Little did I know of the EVIL that lay within. Like a dog that has been fed meat, my sister caught a whiff when I pulled off the lid and soon she began to circle. By this time she was a little older and knew that there would be no chance to grout. I don’t remember what I was doing with the white Play-Doh; I’m sure it wasn’t too complex. Mysterious Lubba D, on the other hand, was scheming. There is no way she could pass up the opportunity for Doh-mischief - mischief for which I would ultimately pay the price.
The Mysterious Lubba D has always loved the smell of Play-Doh. To this day, she will tell you that it is one of her favorite smells. In a moment that she claims was in kindness (I have my doubts about that), she thought that it would be a good idea to share the smell with me. She rolled some into a small ball, put it on the tip of her finger and said “This smells good. Smell it!”
Bad idea. “Ok,” I said.
I remember it all in slow motion. Her head rocked back, a glint in her eye, and she began to laugh, a low-pitched-wicked-now-I-have-your-soul kind of laugh, while her hand began it’s ascent towards my nose. As her hand neared my nostril I began to experience the salty, unnatural stench that would haunt me until the end of my days, but she didn’t stop. Soon the malevolent substance, followed by the first phalange of her index finger, was in my nose and I realized too late that my nose was under siege, a full-fledged olfactory assault. She wasn’t satisfied with the fact that it was in my nose, she was going for something more permanent. She pushed on, determined, and shoved that little ball of evil deep into my nasal cavity.
The nasal cavity is a very sensitive part of the human body. It does not react well to the introduction of foreign substances. Most substances don’t even make it past the back of the nostril, where the hairs in your nose catch, or at least sense the substance and elicit a violent response known as a sneeze. A sneeze can leave your body in speeds of 90-100 miles per hour, possibly faster. That’s just from the back of the nostril. Now, imagine if you will, the sheer violence of your body attempting to force something from your nasal cavity. The introduction of a ball of white Play-Doh to my nasal cavity elicited a VERY violent response indeed. My entire body convulsed in an attempt to rid itself of the venomous odor and I vomited everywhere.
Scientists and even The Hot Librarian agree that the sense of smell is most strongly tied to memory. Ladies and Gentlemen, THERE IS NO DOUBT to the truth of that statement. To this day, I will tell you that it is one of the worst odors I’ve ever had the misfortune of experiencing.
Today I received a package from my girlfriend. It is an Easter package that kicks ass. The package was delayed. Inside of this package, she put lots of great things, but there is one thing in particular that I would like to talk about. There was a little yellow canister, with a white lid, and a note that says “Your sister’s suggestion (?)”
This time, The Mysterious Lubba D has gone too far. She has attempted to turn my girlfriend into a Play-Doh terrorist. In this day and age, with the Global War on Terrorism in full swing, I will not let this injustice go unanswered. The Mysterious Lubba D has unwittingly sent me the weapon of her own demise. Mark my words, devil! Your day is coming, and my retribution will be swift!
posted by Kris at 7:37 AM
1 Comments:
Heh, I always hated the smell of play doh too. So glad i'm an only child.
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